Author Guest Post with Dana Hammer, The Cannibal’s Guide to Fasting

Igor Fenenko, a former research scientist, is a scary, scary man. Not

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Author Guest Post

THE CANNIBAL’S GUIDE TO FEASTING
By Dana Hammer

My upcoming novel, The Cannibal’s Guide to Fasting, features a reformed cannibal named Igor. Igor has been infected with viral cannibalism, and as a result, is under strict monitoring by the government, which has decreed that cannibals are banned from consuming meat. Here are three vegetarian recipes that Igor and his infected friends might enjoy, without fear of fines or punishments.  I cook these recipes regularly in my home, and they are approved by my vegetarian husband, my picky eight-year-old, and my Celiac-disease-riddled ass. Enjoy!

FRIED TOFU

Ingredients:
One block of tofu, drained
Vegetable oil
Peanut butter
Soy sauce (gluten-free, if you are sensitive to gluten)
Hot sauce
Water
Barbecue sauce (gluten-free version, if you need it)

1. Drain the tofu and press it with paper towels to get out as much moisture as possible.
2. Slice the tofu into small cubes.
3. Fry the tofu in vegetable oil. Fry it longer than you think you need to. It’s not like hamburger or bacon; you really need to cook the shit out of it.
4. While the tofu fries, make the sauce. Mix three spoons of peanut butter with three spoons of soy sauce and three spoons of barbecue sauce. If you like spice, add a bunch of hot sauce. If you like it mild, just a little hot sauce. Stir it all together until it’s a paste.
5. The paste is too thick. You can’t do anything with it. You’ll need to add some water to thin it down. Add a little splash, and stir it. Is it saucy now, or is it still a thick paste? Add more water until it’s sauce.
6. When the tofu is finally fucking done, pour the sauce over it. Do not drain the vegetable oil; fat = flavor.
7. Serve with mashed potatoes for ultimate joy.

TAQUITOS

Ingredients:
Corn tortillas, one package
Salsa
Beans, two cans
Cheese, shredded
Vegetable oil

1. Heat up a lot of vegetable oil in a deep pan.
2. Heat up the tortillas. You can either fry them in a pan, or on a griddle, or you can microwave them. You want them hot, and soft, and sticky.
3. In a bowl, mix the beans, salsa, and cheese. I like to use black beans, mild chunky salsa, and shredded pepper jack cheese, but you do you. Any combo of beans, cheese, and salsa will work. Except like, blue cheese, and green beans. Don’t be weird.
4. Spoon a little of the bean mixture into a tortilla, then roll the tortilla up. Place the roll into the hot oil, seam side down. Do that over and over again, until the pan is full of taquitos.
5. When the taquitos are a little brown and crispy, remove them and put them on a paper towel lined plate.
6. Roll the next batch of taquitos, and fry ‘em up.
7. Keep doing this until you’ve used up all the tortillas and/or filling. Keep piling them up, placing paper towels between batches. You will have a shit-load of taquitos. Try not to let them spill onto the floor.

CREAM OF BROCCOLI SOUP

Ingredients:
Butter
Heavy cream
Onions, chopped
Broccoli (one bag, or a big head of it, chopped up into florets)
Shredded cheddar
Salt
Pepper
Vegetarian Better Than Bouillon paste

1. Melt a stick of butter in a pot. You heard me.
2. Steam the broccoli in the microwave. I like to use a bag of microwave steamable broccoli, but if you like doing extra work, feel free to buy a head of broccoli and chop it up.
3. Fry up a chopped onion in the butter. Add a little salt and pepper.
4. Add a spoon of bouillon paste. Stir.
5. Add the steamed broccoli.
6. Add the heavy cream. I start with about a cup. YES. ONE CUP AT LEAST. Now look at the pot. Is that too thick? If so, add some water. If you like it thick, then leave it.  Whoops! Did you add too much water, and now it looks watery? No problem! Add more cream.
7. Now add the cheese. I like to add two big handfuls of shredded cheddar, but you might like less or more. I’m not here to tell you how to live your goddamn life.

***Options — you can add other vegetables too, like shredded carrots, or cauliflower, or potatoes. This is a very flexible recipe, as long as you add enough dairy.

About the Book

The Cannibal’s Guide to Fasting
by Dana Hammer

Published 6 September 2022
Cinnabar Moth Publishing LLC

Genre: Comedic Horror
Page Count: 321
Add it to your Goodreads TBR!

Igor Fenenko, a former research scientist, is a scary, scary man. Not only is he a massive bodybuilder with a spider tattooed on his face, he has also been infected with Pestis Manducans — viral cannibalism. Igor tried to resist indulging, but his research specimens smelled so delicious. Who did it hurt, really, to nibble a corpse?

Caught, disgraced, and sent to a ‘rehabilitation’ center, Igor is now forced to live in a government-mandated Containment Center. He spends his days pressing wildflowers, growing blueberries, and doing his best to avoid human meat. More than anything, he wants a cure for the virus that has ruined his life.

Igor’s brother, Karl, is also infected with Pestis. But unlike Igor, he does not live in a Containment Center. He lives down by the river, where he runs a cannibal rights group. At first, the group seems harmless enough, if a bit creepy and overzealous. But when Igor discovers their evil practices, he is forced to intervene.

Aided and opposed by rich eccentrics who have their own agendas, Igor must use brains and muscles to find a cure while fighting the urge to turn brains and muscles into a delicious lunch.

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Excerpt

Igor’s home is a single-wide trailer in a “community” that the government has set up for former cannibals. Decent, lawabiding, non-infected folks do not want man-eaters to live in their neighborhoods, but they won’t go so far as to demand executions for the infected, and so the forced cannibal community was born.

For a time, the infected were held in prisons and jails, until those became too overcrowded, and the state was forced to find other solutions. Now, the official plan of action is this: identify the cannibals, send them to a treatment center, and then house them in secure, guarded communities with their own kind.

Igor’s community is one of the nicer ones. The trailers are small but clean, and the neighborhood is kept tidy and quiet. Each trailer even has a small patch of lawn, for residents to use as they please. Igor uses his for fruit and vegetable gardening. Some other people plant flowers, and some of them plant nothing at all, but fill their yards with furniture or above-ground pools.

Other communities aren’t so lucky. Igor is grateful for his home, despite the security guards who occasionally take their jobs a bit too seriously. Despite the constant scrutiny of the inspectors, despite the fact that his ID lists his address as “High Risk Containment Center” and that any time he has to show that ID to anyone, he gets glares or looks of disgust or flat refusals of service. He is grateful, because without it, and without a job, and without anyone willing to take him in, he would likely be homeless.

About the Author

Dana Hammer is a novelist, screenwriter and playwright. She has won over forty awards and honors for her writing, few of which generated income, all of which were deeply appreciated. She is not a cannibal.

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Giveaway Alert!

Dana Hammer will be awarding a $10 Amazon or B&N gift card to a randomly drawn winner via rafflecopter during the tour.

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